Avoidance

Have you ever just tried to avoid anything?

That's the state I find myself in most days. Home is not home.

After moving back in with my mother so that it would be easier for me to complete school, it feels like I am regretting ever giving up working along with my own place. Initially I thought, great I can focus on finishing and not have to worry about having money to pay rent but it is quickly becoming a horrible mis-judgment.

I know you're thinking stop complaining your staying for free you freeloader. That's only partially true. I have had freelance jobs in visual styling and jewelry design which allowed me to pay some of the household bills and my school needs. So I took care of myself I just didn't pay rent. But that was before the economy collapsed.

I hate the economy.

It seems like when everything was fine I could find a job, no problem but never one that allowed me to save money or go to school at the same time and actually do well. They said you have to finish your degree you only have a few classes left just finish and you can finally go into your chosen field and get the job you want. Since I was living on my own but not doing what I wanted, I thought finishing makes since it will only take at most a year and then I can go back into the job market full time and stop freelancing.

Freelancing stopped me.

When the money stopped so did the jobs. Now I'm sitting in the park avoiding the house and my mother's slights. She really doesn't know that I am trying to get out of her house at all costs. I even considered just taking some clothes, disappearing and seeing what happened. Its almost time for her to come back home and I leave. I did this even when I was freelancing and had money coming in because her comments; why I didn't have friends, why I was doing a particular thing, what was I doing to my hair, sometimes even why I was sitting a certain way. Ugh. All questions that I could avoid by not being in the house when she got there, so I started seeing movies. I can't remember how many times I watched Step Brothers or The Dark Knight. Now its harder to see movies with no steady income coming in, with me just interning right now, but sitting in the park is free.

This is my avoidance.